Sunday, December 4, 2011

Random: Elle (One's First Love)

She can still remember the first day she met him. She was sitting on a sofa placed at the edge of a corridor in her old school building, waiting for her turn for an ongoing practical examination. The test she was about to take was a special one and students from other classes whom she has not met before were all lined up in the hallway. Anxious and afraid of what the results would be since she was not able to review or open her books at all, she approached a friend she met during her freshman year who was taking the same test and asked a few questions. They continuously exchanged questions for review but then out of the blue someone joined in their conversation. It was he, a jolly, nice-looking guy who seemed to know her friend for quite some time. It turned out that he was nervous for the test as well and was just looking for company.

There was something about that boy that she herself could not understand at first. A feeling of familiarity as if she had known her for a long time. They conversed comfortably and as they discussed further, time passed like a flick of a finger.

Since then, as if it was fate, she and that boy began to encounter each other on a daily basis. Time passed and a new semester began and that timid girl somehow ended up in the same class with that laidback guy. They were assigned to the same group and even became partners in most of their school activities.

To her, he was amusing. Kind yet mean, sharp-tongued but sincere. He was an eccentric, sweet guy who was easily misunderstood by people in their class yet admired because of his looks and intellect.

One semester passed, and they were no longer in the same group but their relationship remained tight. He was a special friend she thought. Someone who she could smile to with all her heart without holding anything back, but then out of the blue something changed. A feeling that developed over time. Affection? Love? She was not exactly sure back then as well.

It took two weeks of separation from him for her to realized what it was. It was the last few days of summer. She finally mustered up enough courage to finally convey her feelings, but right before she was about to confess, she found out that he had already had recently fallen in love with someone else; and it was with someone whom she very well knew needs him more than she does.

Being the kind of person that she was and because of her lack of confidence, she never got the chance to confess. Afraid of rejection, she slowly tried to let him go without even telling him how she really felt. She wanted to put things back to what they used to be, when they were still really good friends, but things were never the same since then. Breathing itself became too difficult for her whenever he was near. She was never at ease around him and somehow ended up avoiding him most of the time. She was afraid that her feelings for him would continue to grow if  she stayed. Her chest would hurt and it felt like it would burst out open and overflow.

Things really didn't go well with the boy and the other girl, but that unconscious behavior of her avoiding him all the time remained. I guess just like her he felt uneasy too seeing how she acts around him. He was the kind who never really confronted such things. Thus, he didn't know what to say nor what to do either, and so their awkward relationship continued.

At times, they would just pass by and smile at each other without even saying a word. After all that happened, even though she never got to directly say it, it seemed like he already knew how she felt. It was funny. It seemed like the feeling was mutual, but she never dared to ask.

Years then passed and they had to go their separate ways, but that lingering feeling still remained. She continues to wonder and regret not saying what she wanted to say. I guess what they say is true; that the greatest regrets you'll have in life are not the things you've done but the things you did not do. Helpless and hopeless, that girl continues to walk forward today, but who knows. Maybe someday in the untold future he and she would meet again, and maybe when they do, that strange sweet feeling that she had from the first day she met him would come back... And maybe this time around it would flourish like how it was supposed to if only she had the courage back then.